My Feelings
When I was young, I was soo afraid. I didn't like being held down. I didn't like needles. I didn't like too many things associated with having surgeries and being in the hospital.
The year before my big surgery in the fall of 1978, I was soo afraid. I didn't know what was going to happen to me during and after surgery. I was scared at the thought of having my jaws wired for a period of time. I would lie in my bed at night practicing not being able to open my mouth.
I do have a deep fear of dying because of the surgeries. Seeing people die or nearly die makes me wonder at times. It scares me.
Anger
I admit that I felt angry about having surgery at times when I was younger. I have made a lot of sacrifices with my surgeries. The deaths and near-deaths made me angry.
I would get angry when I was told about things after they happened or if they were going to happen.
Sadness
My sadness about surgeries have been because of the deaths and near-deaths.
Frustration
Probably the feeling I have experienced most. I have felt that I was in a tunnel. I felt that I was never going to see the end to my surgeries. Now I am starting to see daylight at the end of the tunnel. I know that I am almost to the end of my reconstruction.
Peace
I have found soo much peace in recent years. It helps that I have a fantastic PS to work with. It's not that I didn't like the other two PS', it was just all the emotions surrounding the surgeries in the late 1970s and throughout all of the 1980s.
Some Miscellaneous Thoughts and Feelings
I am able to cope with my surgeries these days. I attribute it to being able to work thru the issues surrounding my surgeries and having the ability to find what works and doesn't work for me.
Invalidation
It is a real slap in the face when people try to invalidate my feelings and experiences. But I know why they do it because they don't have a clue as to what I've been thru or how I deal with my surgeries.
Here are examples of how people have invalidated my feelings and experiences:
Comparing surgeries and experiences - I don't get into that game because we all have our own feelings and experiences. About two years ago, I had someone who I thought was my friend tell me that my surgeries were less important. I had another person who I thought was my friend tell me that I hadn't been thru that much surgery. (This was told to me about a week after my surgery in Sept. 1997.)
Support - I like it when people wish me good luck with my surgeries and put me in their prayers and thoughts. Some people will even eat pizza with me the night before my surgery. I've had people tell me that I really don't need any support because I've been thru it too many times. That's BS.
My vast experience - Just because I have many experiences with surgeries, does not mean that I am not human. I have some people who love to use this phrase "You are such an old pro at this." Do you know how much I hate that expression?? I have feelings that I go thru and deal with whenever I have surgery.
1998
I had someone say this to me: Your voice sounds less nasal but your nose looks bigger. How insulting!! I had surgery back in April. And yes, I know I have to have a revision in the next round.
I wish people wouldn't say anything at all if they are going to be insulting or insensitive.
I am rapidly approaching the 20th anniversary of my first Tessier surgery. I never dreamed of still going thru my reconstructive surgery at this stage of my life. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end. It's disgusting to think that I am 34 years old and am looking at another reconstructive surgery. Who knows when I will have this last surgery?? Sometimes I just feel like screaming or crying just to get my feelings out of my system. I am just totally frustrated at this point.
I have to laugh when people blame things on surgeries. It's dumb!!!! I get frustrated with people like that. I once had a mother tell a friend that I resigned from a group because of the effects of anesthesia (I had just had surgery three days before.) I had a VERY good laugh over that. It just amazes me how dumb people can be when it comes to surgeries.
As I wait for my next round of surgery to be scheduled, I have a feeling that the surgery isn't going to happen until December. It takes forever for me to get an approval from my HMO. I figure it won't happen until at least Dec. And the idea of having surgery so near the holidays doesn't please me at all.
I think that out of all the times I've had surgery, I've had surgery in every month of the year. I've had at least one surgery in all twelve months. October is the month that I've probably had the most surgeries. My least favorite holiday is Halloween because I spent many Halloweens in the hospital. October is the hardest month for me. I feel the usual wave of depression coming on that I get when the month of October rolls around. By the time the holidays roll around, I am A-OK. I love Christmas. I can't stand fall and winter anyway.. too depressing. Give me spring and summer!!
I have made a decision that only one person knows both online and offline.. Barring any complications, I've decided that this next round of surgery will be my last. I am turning 35 in June and the turn of the century is a little more than a year away. I don't want to be going thru any reconstructive surgery after the turn of the century.
I can deal with having another surgery. It will be interesting to see what comes first.. Employment or surgery.
I am coming to a major crossroads.. I am seriously thinking of getting employment first since finances are getting low. It's nice not to have had to work while going thru the surgeries but now the time has come to say.. Whatever happens happens.
I am a little more than a month away from finding out when my next surgery might be. I am hoping this will be it.
I found out on Tues., Dec. 8th when my surgery will be.. Tues., Jan. 12th. It looks like the last planned reconstruction!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!
Thurs., Feb. 11, 1999
I am almost one month past my latest reconstructive surgery. I am very happy with the results. :-) But I am not done yet.. I've got one minor procedure to go thru sometime in the next several months. I am not in any hurry to get it done. I am holding off on my party til I get that one done as it SHOULD be the last planned reconstructive surgery.
I have been giving some major thought over the last few months about any future surgeries. Part of me wants to forego anymore surgery. I think about my age.. 35.. and wonder why am I still going thru surgeries at my age. I really don't find any touchup surgery necessary. I have foregone some parts of my reconstruction for various reasons. I think that I am just really sick of it at this point. I really want to move on with the rest of my life and not worry about any reconstructive surgery. I am happy with what I've got. Besides I want to have my IT'S OVER party next summer. LOL I hope that I get released this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will be the strangest and most wonderful feeling in the world.
2000
I have decided to have NO more surgeries. I am getting too old to go thru anymore surgery. I am also thinking of my parents who are getting older as well. Plus when I got the job at TA in March 1999, I discovered that people would hire me on my abilities. not my disabilities. Besides I feel very comfortable with myself. I do NOT close the door on the possibility of something happening that I require reconstructive surgery later on tho.
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