Please note: Any comments made here about my former PS are not a slam.. He is a great man. I would just get frustrated over waiting for surgery, especially when it was expected. I wouldn't have changed PS' for anything. I liked my PS a whole lot because he does a lot of great things for people. It's just feelings I dealt with at that time in my life. BTW, my PS really did understand me.
This was written when I was waiting for my surgery in January 1999 to be scheduled.
It seemed like every time I turned around that I was playing the waiting game. It can be very hard emotionally. If you have never played it, you will not understand it at all. But I will try to explain it as best I can.
Between March 1997 and January 1999, I played the waiting game with my life. I sat thru six months of waiting to have my surgery in September 1997. Then there was a 13-day delay. (I think the surgery date for that ended up being changed four times. LOL) I thought that I would be home free without any surgeries for awhile. Then in November 1997, PS tells me that he is considering opening up my nostrils more. (I had someone tell me that I shouldn't bother since the surgery would be only for looks, blah, blah. Geez that surgery made a difference in my speech. I am glad I went for it!!) When I went back to see PS in early February 1998, he schedules me for surgery in April 1998. (Actually I chose the date. LOL)
I had known about the January 1999 surgery since the night of my surgery in April 1998 because my mom told me that PS couldn't do everything he planned. I accepted that. I would rather my PS not do too much than have something fail because he did too much. At first, I was first told that I was going to have the surgery three months later. Then I went in for a follow-up appt. in May 1998. At that time, PS decided that he wanted to wait six months before he did anymore surgery. OK I dealt with that. I spent the summer doing online stuff and bowling. I went back on Sept. 1, 1998. At that appt., he told me that he wanted to wait and see how I do with beginning of the weaning from the nasal tubes. Well I've been there done that deal and I can tell you what will happen. All the surgery to open up my nostrils will be done for nothing. Everything will start closing up. I looked at him and said that I knew what was going to happen. I KNOW MY BODY. (And yes, I did say that to him.) Then he gave me some line about my cleft being worse on the right side. Hello was I not born without a nose??? (I really need to remind him of that.
I had a burning question to ask my PS when I saw him in October 1998. My question to him: Why was he so hesitant about doing my columella reconstruction? Was he afraid that I might be pissed if it didn't work?? I love the saying, "You won't know until you try." Been there done that at least two times in my life.
I am the one who made the choice to finish my reconstruction and I knew that I have to live with my decision. I certainly didn't like the waiting game. I accepted it even tho it was very frustrating and hard at times. I got over one hump and then another one would come along. I don't regret going thru the last three surgeries. They definitely made a difference. I just felt like the most critical part of my reconstruction at that point was eluding me!!! It was like.. I had waited forever for this surgery. I never dreamed that that part of it would be dragged out over this many years. (I had been waiting for nearly seven years to have the next stage of my columella reconstruction.) My patience was running thin.
I had used the stents since May 20, 1996. I played by the rules. I had the tubes out of my nose for a total of 61 days between May 20, 1996 and October 30, 1998. I thought about having the tubes bronzed.
I really liked my former PS. I tried to be patient but it was sooo hard sometimes. I completely understood that the surgery had a risk. I knew that there was a ten-percent chance of it not working because my PS told me. Back in November 1997, my PS told me that he would not do it for another year. (You should have seen the look on my face back then.
I was hoping to get a possible surgery date in October 1998. But I did not.
In October 1998, I finally found the root to my problem. I was feeling resentment and anger because of being given timelines all the time. It was very hard for me to deal with timelines for surgeries. I am going to talk to PS about this.
1998
Sun., Oct. 25, 1998
It's been almost two weeks since my last visit with my PS. I have to wait a little bit longer. He wants to see me in early Dec. I actually go back on Dec. 8th. I was disappointed at first. But now I am OK with waiting. This is something that cannot be rushed into. PS and I talked about the wait. He wants NO pressure on the columella after surgery. The slightest pressure could sever the blood supply to my columella. Now that would be hard to deal with because that would mean starting at square one again.
Thurs., Nov. 5, 1998
I am dealing with the waiting just fine. I understand the reasons for the wait. It is simple.. My PS does not want to rush into it. I think that my PS is wise for waiting. I do hope that he can give me an idea of when he wants to do the surgery when I go back to see him in Dec. I wish more people had the kind of PS I do.
Sun., Nov. 29, 1998
I am down to about nine more days of waiting to see when PS might do next round of surgery. I've been stent-free for just about a month now. The nostrils haven't closed up too much. I think that I breathe out of my nose now than I have in a long time.
Wed., Dec. 30, 1998
The wait is nearly over. I finally got my surgery date when I went and saw my PS on Dec. 8th. The surgery is scheduled for Tues., Jan. 12th. I've been OK with the wait. My greatest worry is getting the approval from my HMO to use St. Luke's. I hope to hear something soon.
The wait was well worth it!!!!! I ended up having a successful reconstructive surgery on Tues., Jan. 12, 1999. I may have been mad at my PS back in Sept. and Oct. but now I am not. I am very happy with the results of the surgery. Now I just wait for the final round and I am no hurry to do it since it will be minor in comparison to what I've been thru in the last three years and the preceeding years.
There will not be a final round of surgery. I've decided that enough is enough and that I am happy with things the way things are. Why mess with perfection?? NO MORE WAITING FOR SURGERIES!! YAY!!!
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